


My Talking Journal

by itxokayish



Category: Original Work
Genre: Autism Spectrum, Bullying, Diary/Journal, Family Fluff, Foster Care, Implied Relationships, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Intentionally Bad Spelling & Grammar, M/M, Panic Attacks, References to Depression, Suicidal Thoughts, Therapy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-15
Updated: 2018-07-15
Packaged: 2019-05-25 21:03:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 21,018
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14985551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/itxokayish/pseuds/itxokayish
Summary: Harper says I am special. She told me yesterday  it makes me think differently than other kids and makes it hard for me to tell what other people are feeling. I asked her if that is why Brian calls me a "freak" and she said she would talk to Nina. I asked her why and she said that people don't call people names like that because it's mean.She says that people yell at other people when they are angry. And when people yell at me they are using words to hurt me. I told her that words can't hurt me because they don't leave marks on my skin. She told me it's another figurative language sentence. Aparantle words hurt people's minds and it makes them sad.After that, I told her that I had made Nina sad. She asked me why and I told her that I scratched her for hugging me and that I told her I didn't like my cake. Harper asked me why I didn't like my cake. I told her that the other kids in my other group home would always shove cake in my face because they said the sugar would make me "act like a normal kid". I told her that it reminded me of that and she frowned.I learned that if you just say yes and give people believe that what they say is right they will stop trying to tell you it again and again.





	My Talking Journal

**Author's Note:**

> So I have been at this for almost a month. This story is not direct. It isn't going to downright say what is going on and it's kind of up to your own interpretation. To me, it's something that brings up a lot of questions on how things can change and why people do what they do, in a weird twisted way?
> 
> Anyways, its a lot. Please be aware that there are multiple triggers before you read, and I hope that you read to the end.

**May 3, 2007**

i don't know why I'm writing here but my therapizt says it helps me talk about things no one understands.

My old foster mom gave me this, and well, no one has ever given me something to keep before. I didn't mean to mess it up this time. I usually do. I ~~dunt~~ don't mean to. At least this time I wanted to stay. it isn't my fault I couldn't pay up to her husband. I just don't like when people touch me, not like that. Not like any way. So I bit him. I should have not but he was hurting me. They kicked me out thouh so I guess he got what he wanted. I don't think I will find a new family I ever like or is all nice.

I mean I know that I'm old now and no one wants an eight year old when they can have a new-born baby.  ~~~~I guess I'm dirty as my old foster dad said to me. 

I'm scared. I don't like the groop home and I don't like the people here. I don't like it. I just I want to smile more. I smiled a lot when I was with Kathy. She was my foster mom when I was six for seven months before they got annoyed with me too. And I liked her dog. I liked the old one too but I could not stay. The way he looked at me. It hurt. It made me remember when I were little. 

It is almost time to sleep so I have to stop writing now. This helps me thouh and I hope that my therapizt is happy I tried it. 

 

 

**May 6, 2007**

A new famile wanted to adopt me. Harper my therapizt says that they sound like a good family. I don't like the way that the bruther looks at me thouh. I also don't understand why people are the way they are. I just don't like people touching me, or the sounds they make or how they always want to look me in the eyes. It makes ~~em~~ me mad. There's this fish tank in the group home ( group is spelled group, not groop <\--- I learned that today)  and the buzzing makes my head hurt. I can't help myself from screaming. It just won't stop. 

The other kidz make fun of me because I scream for no reason. They don't understand that i do have a reason. I don't get how it doesn't make them scream as well. 

Harper says they just aren't like me and that I am special. I asked her how but she will not say. I never understand secrets. If you have something to say then say it. Why do you keep it from me and tell me you are keeping it from me? 

I would understand if it were something dangerouz but it is not. I don't think it is at least. 

I hear Timothy coming. He is my room partner so I am going to go talk to him. Harper says it is good to talk to people.

 

 

 ~~izac iz stupid~~ **May 12, 2007**

Brian took my journal and wrote in it. He doesn't even know how to write the right way. I showed Harper my journal today. She asked me if it was okay to read it and I wanted her to so she could tell me if I was writing things the right way. She told me I had a lot of spelling mistakes but that I did a good job of writing down my feelings. 

She asked me what I meant by my foster dad calling me dirty. I don't think I am going to show my journal to her anymore. I don't like remembering things that made me hurt. Harper says it's good to talk about things that make you hurt. I don't see the purpose. I told her that and she laughed. 

She told me I was "sure something". She also taught me that when I'm quoting something I should use quotation marks. I like using quotation marks. And I like writing. I am going to ask Nina she is the one that takes care of us in my new group home if I can have more writing books. 

I like reading a lot. Only learning books though. i don't like made up stories. They use a lot of weird things that I don't understand. Harper says it's called ~~figuarautive languaj~~.(figurative language) I think I spelled that wrong. I will ask Harper when I see her on  Friday. 

I just don't understand why you would say something and mean something else. Just say what you mean the first time. It makes my head hurt just like the fish tank. 

Brian is yelling at me to go eat so i will go now. 

 

 

**May 18, 2007**

Someone took my journal. I am sure it was Brian. He doesn't like me very much. He says I'm a "freak" for never wanting to play with anyone. I don't get why he is mad that I don't want to play with him if he doesn't like me. People are complex, i learned that word from Harper. 

I told her I lost my journal and she asked me how I felt about that. I told her that I felt sad and she looked shocked. She says I usually don't care when the other kids take things from me, but I guess it just made me sad that they took something that was important to me. 

I told Harper that and she asked me why I thought the journal was important to me. I told her that it made me feel better. That it felt good to write things down and not have to talk about them. Harper told me that I can talk to her anytime if I feel like it. 

I told her I didn't feel like it and she said it was alright. I like Harper. She is nice to me and other kids are not. Brian is not. He got in trouble today because he punched Timothy. He called me a "retard" and Timothy yelled at him and "stood up for me", that's what Nina said. Timothy asked me how I felt and I told him that it didn't matter and he shouldn't try to protect me for it only makes the other kids mad. He hugged me. I bit him. He didn't get mad though. 

He's seven years older than me and he understands me sometimes. He is second place in understanding me, after Harper. No one can beat Harper. She says it's her job to help me but she does it cause she cares about me. I think Timothy cares about me too. I will ask Harper what she thinks.

Also it is spelled figurative language.

 

**May 21, 2007**

I turn nine today. Nina made me a cake today. I told her I didn't like it because it didn't look right. She yelled at me saying I was "an ungrateful bitch". I don't know what that means, so I asked her and she told me it is someone who is not thankful for what they are given. 

I ended up in a ball on the floor of the kitchen crying. Brian says I cry like a "dead whale". I told him that whales don't cry. He kicked me while I was in a ball. I don't think he heard me right.

After a while, Nina came and rubbed my back. She said she was sorry and I just nodded. I let her hug me. It hurt and I scratched her. She looked sad and stood up. I wanted to tell her I was sorry but she wouldn't listen to me so I just went to my room and went under the blankets and screamed into my pillow. It calms me down. 

Timothy then came in my room and told me that I should think about other people's feelings. He told me people are ~~emochional~~ emotional. He sounded not proud and it made me more upset. 

i thought people were supposed to feel good on their birthdays.

 

 

**May 24, 2007**

Harper says I am special. She told me yesterday  it makes me think differently than other kids and makes it hard for me to tell what other people are feeling. I asked her if that is why Brian calls me a "freak" and she said she would talk to Nina. I asked her why and she said that people don't call people names like that because it's mean.

I told her that she didn't have to worry about it because it was true. She looked at me with a sad face and grabbed my hands and told me that it wasn't true. I yelled and told her a freak is someone that is different and because I have special it makes me different and a freak. 

She told me that just because someone is different you are not mean to them and tell them they are different in a bad way. Harper explained that there are two ways to tell someone they are different. The bad one is when they are yelling at you with an angry face. And the good one when they are talking to you with a gentle voice. We practiced looking at face cards and seeing what angry faces and happy faces look like. 

She says that people yell at other people when they are angry. And when people yell at me they are using words to hurt me. I told her that words can't hurt me because they don't leave marks on my skin. She told me it's another figurative language sentence. Aparantle words hurt people's minds and it makes them sad. 

After that, I told her that I had made Nina sad. She asked me why and I told her that I scratched her for hugging me and that I told her I didn't like my cake. Harper asked me why I didn't like my cake. I told her that the other kids in my other group home would always shove cake in my face because they said the sugar would make me "act like a normal kid". I told her that it reminded me of that and she frowned. 

She asked if i said that to Nina and I nodded my head. She asked me why and I said that no one really asked me for my opinion. She also wondered why I never told her about it. I told her that i don't like talking about things that hurt me. She said it's good to talk about bad things cause it makes people feel better. I just nodded my head. 

I learned that if you just say yes and give people believe that what they say is right they will stop trying to tell you it again and again.

 

 

**June 3, 2007**

The family (it is spelled family) that wanted to adopt me came to visit me today. the bruther came as well. They asked me what I liked and i told them that i like to write and read learning books. They said "that's different than the other kids." I think they used different in a good way because the mom used a gentle voice. I said that i'm different because I think differently than other kids. 

They laughed and said they knew. The bruther didn't laugh. I have concluded that he doesn't like me. I think I like the family. the mom and dad are nice and they don't make fun of me like the kids here do. it makes me happy and I hope that they adopt me. I first met them when I was outside with Nina and the other kids at the park close to the house. I was sitting by myself on the swing because I like the way the air feels when im going fast. 

I was not looking around and then i fell out of the swing and one of my shoes went off my feet. that is when the mom of the family went and helped me up. She asked me if I was okay and if she wanted me to call anyone for help. I told her that i didn't have a phone with me and she looked at me weird at first but then started laughing. I then told her i lose my shoe and i had to go find it. that's when she yelled for the bruther and told him to help her find my shoe. He found it quickly and told me to put my shoe on my foot. 

I looked at him weirdly and did as he said. I put my shoe on top of my right foot and the mom laughed. I asked her why she was laughing and she just said it was nothing. I put my shoe on then after I thought I had done what the bruther had wanted me to do. the mom asked me where my mom was and I told her that she died. She looked surprised and she asked if I had a dad. I told her that he was in prison. she looked a little sad after that. i told her that I was with Nina and the rest of my group home at the park. 

After that she asked to go talk to Nina and then they have come and visited me for some time. I like them. I really do and I hope they keep liking me too. I like how they say i am different in a good way. And i think that  I can get the bruther to like me. Harper always says that people can change the way they look at things. I didn't believe her at first and said that you can't change the way red looks just cause you want to. And you can't change the way a leaf looks just cause you don't like it. She chuckled (that's a new word I learned from a book I had to read for school) (it was annoying and had a lot of figurative language). 

She said it was an expression, a figurative language sentence. She then explained that it meant that after someone gets to know something in a way that they know more and understand more about it they can change how they feel about that thing. I think that if the bruther gets to know and understand me in a way that he understands me then he will feel different about me. 

I hope he does cause i really like the mom and dad. They make me really happy.

~~You are stupid and no one likez you!! Go away you retard. That family would never want a meesed up boy like Izac~~

 

 

**June 21, 2007**

Brian took my journal for a while. I got it back two days ago and I think I know what that sad feeling Harper talks about feels like. Nothing Brian says ever makes me feel bad. But he did something else today. I wasn't going to write it down cause I know people can read this but Harper says I need to talk about things that make me sad. This makes me really sad and i don't want to talk about it. So i think the best things to do is write it in my journal. 

I still fail to understand humans. I don't understand why Brian is mean to me. If he doesn't like me why doesn't he leave me alone. When I don't like people I ignore them and get away from them. But all Brian does is come and hurt me and yell at me and call me all bad names. I never cared that he called me all the bad names but today the mom and dad were visiting me and he told them. 

He told them that my father called me "dirty". They looked at me the same way that I remember my mom looking at me when I was smaller and it made me feel it again. It made me feel shame. I think that's what Harper called it. It made me feel so much shame because it made me remember. I felt more shame because then they went and hugged me and I screamed and scratched at them. They then looked at me how all the other kids in the group home looked at me. 

They were scared of me. They have never been scared of me. I just ran away and I started crying. Brian stood outside my door and kept telling me stuff in my journal. He kept repeating things I had written, said things about my dad and how he knows what he did to me. No one is supposed to know what he did. I don't even know how he knows if I didn't even write it down. I am not making sense now. My sentence structure is not good right now but for the first time I don't care. I hate Brian. I hate people. I hate how I am different and not in the good way Harper says I am. 

I don't like being different. I don't want to be different. 

I am starting to cry and that messes up the ink. I am going to stop now and find a hiding place for my journal where Brian won't find it. 

 

 

**June 27, 2007**

I haven't come out of my room for a week now. I just feel so sad and I don't know why. Timothy brings me food but I don't want to eat. He keeps saying if I don't eat Nina will come and have to take me to the hospital where they will touch me a lot and poke me with needles. 

I am scared of needles. So I eat. Being sad makes me able to read a lot of books. I have been learning a lot of writing. Short sentences make an impact statement. And long ones can be complex or compound or complex and compound. You are supposed to use commas too but I still don't know how to use them correctly yet. Harper said we can talk about it today. I don't know if I want to see her today though. I didn't go see her on Monday and now it's Friday. 

I know she will ask me about how I am acting sad but I don't want to talk about it. I don't want anyone to "bring it up" as one of my books says. Also the concept of "bringing" something up is quite peculiar. How are you supposed to "bring" up words? It's not like you can hold them. This is why people are weird and complex and annoying. 

I still think Brian is annoying. I think he is very annoying and mean. Nina made him apologize but every time I hear his voice I think of the event that happened and I start screaming so they will stop repeating it. I don't like being reminded of what happened. I don't like being reminded that the family most likely no longer wants to adopt me. 

That makes me sad. I want to be adopted. I don't want to have to be here with Brian or the other kids anymore. I just want to be in a home where I can be happy. I want to go to a place where no one cares that I am not like the other kids. I thought that family was going to be "the one" as Timothy says. 

I know when I'm older no one will want me. No one wants Timothy because he's old and just now barely anyone wants to adopt me. I think I scared them. They don't want me. I don't know what this weird feeling in my chest is but it hurts me and now I am about to cry. I don't think I want to go see Harper today.

 

 

**July 3, 2007**

I went to Harper on Monday. I know that going to my therapizt is supposed to make me feel better. But I still felt sad. I think today helped me not feel as sad though. The family that wanted to adopt me came to visit me today. I was in my room and then I felt a tap on my shoulder. I thought it was Nina or Timothy so I just ignored it. But then I heard a gentle voice and my heart started beating faster and I felt tingly. 

I think it's called hapinez. It was the mom and as soon as I figured that out I stood up and looked her in the eyes. I was afraid to look her in the eyes because I thought she would look at me weird but she looked like she missed me. She smiled and she asked me if I wanted to go to the park with their family. 

I told her that I was sorry for being weird and stupid and she just hugged me. I let her. It was warm and fuzzy. I told her I needed to change and then I would go downstairs and she nodded her head and went out of my room. As I was changing Timothy came in and asked me where I was going. I told him about it and he smiled. He said he was happy for me. That made me smile. 

Anyways, I changed really fast and then went downstairs and the family was waiting for me. They were talking to Nina about something and they are a "rejestered foster care home". I know that means they can have kids live with them. Nina said she was glad to hear that which I think means that they weren't before and just turned into one. I don't think you can just turn into one though. Turning and becoming something are not so scientific ways to think of something. A house just can't become something else if it's already a house. I don't know what world you would use to describe it other than those though. 

Maybe "has the ability to" or "can foster kids now". Something that does not go against common sense. But then again Brian says I can't understand common sense. I don't like him though so I won't listen to what he tells me. 

Brian didn't go with us to the park though. It was just the family and I. The bruther went too. I don't know why I call him bruther. I was reading my journal and then I saw that i refered to him as bruther. The family doesn't have other kids that I know of so maybe I just want him to be my bruther. Even if he doesn't like me. Families love each other so if we become a family he will love me. That makes sense. 

We went to the park and it was very fun. They played with me a lot and let me swing and go on slides. The dad let me get a piggy-back ride which is where one sits on top of someone else's back. I never understood it until a kid in my old group home let me ride on his back. I like them. They are fun. I think the family is fun. 

After we played they bought me ice cream. I can't have too much ice cream though cause I hear if you eat too much sugar you get diabetes and then you die. That's why I give most of my sweets to Brian so I won't get diabetes. That's what Brian tells me at least. I guess he isn't that mean sometimes. At least he doesn't want me to die. He is twelve so he has to be a little smarter than I am. I will believe him for now. I don't want to get diabetes.

I didn't tell the family that though about the diabetes cause Harper says it's not "apropiate" to talk about someone's health and eating habitz. Overall (that's a transititon word), it was good and Nina says that if I get out of my room and stop being a "crybaby" I will get to see them more often and get to play with them. She says I have to listen to whatever people tell me to do and stop questioning it so much. I will listen. I want to be good so I can see them. They make me feel loved. Maybe that means we are becoming a family already! (it's an exclamation mark. You use it when you are exited! I am very exited!)

 

 

**July 9, 2007**

The family still comes to see me. I learned that the mom's name is Danielle and the dad's name is Roberto. They even wrote it down so I would know how to spell their names. The bruther (i like calling him that) is called Phillip but the mom always says his name as "Phil". Roberto says that it's a nickname. 

My old foster dad had a nickname for me. It was "princess". I told Timothy when I first met him and he looked like that time when someone looks like they are about to throw up. He told me that I shouldn't tell that to anyone because it's wrong. He also asked if Harper knew and I told him I didn't think it was nesesary to tell her. From the way he looked at me I don't want to tell her. It makes me feel a weird tingly feeling. Not the good warm and fuzzy feeling though. Like a ball in my stomach which is silly cause you can't have balls in your stomach. Harper calls it "anxiety".

So I didn't tell them my nickname. I just smiled. They took me to an eating place (i can never spell the word right). It was loud. There were so many people talking and I wanted to scream for them to just stop but then Danielle held my hand and told me that "everything was alright". 

No one has ever calmed me down before I started screaming before. I guess it made me realize that my first reaction was to scream to make it go away. Danielle says that to make it go away just breathe and listen to only one sound. I told her that listening to one sound is impossible because there are so many sounds everyware. She said she didn't mean it literally. it must be a figurative sentence. 

She explained and told me to try to only listen to one thing and then that will calm me down. It didn't work but I wanted to try my best to make her happy so I just nodded and smiled. I even made my hands into balls to try to keep myself from yelling. Phillip looked at me weird. We aren't a family just yet so maybe he doesn't love me yet. Harper says it will take time. I can wait. 

We ate french fries and burgers and a lot of food. My tummy felt like it was going to explode. Not literally though. A human can't just explode with food. I don't think so at least. It sounds a little silly. After we finished though, they took me to the group home. It was still evening time so the other kids were eating dinner. I told Nina that I already ate and she let me go play in the playroom which is adjacent to the entryway. I grabbed some learning books while I waited for everyone to finish. 

It took a little and I feel asleep on the floor. I just got tired of waiting and Nina had played gentle music. When I woke up I felt a weird feeling on my tummy. It hurt. It is what woke me up. I looked up and Brian was on top of me. He was punching my tummy and I felt like I had that face Timothy made when I told him my nickname. It wasn't because I was anxiety though. It was because I felt like I was about to throw up. 

Brian sounded angry. He kept saying how "it isn't fair they chose you" "you freak" "you don't deserve the dinner" "the family just doesn't know how much of a freak you are". i just looked at him with wide eyes and tried to get him off. Brian is in sports though and he is older. He calls me a stick, and I felt like one at the time. 

He stuck his fingers in my mouth and told me to throw up the food. It felt weird and I tried to bite down on his fingers but I felt like I couldn't breathe because he was punching me. 

Then the worst came. I threw up. All over the wood floor and on myself. I hate being dirty. I hate feeling dirty. And having throw up on me made me feel disgusting so I screamed and screamed and cried. I don't know what Brian did but I heard Nina come and she yelled at me for throwing up all over the floor. 

I couldn't even tell her that Brian did it because I just felt what Harper says "anxiety". She told me that people cry so much that they can't breathe or breathe so fast that they can't speak. I did both and I hate anxiety. I don't know why our bodies can even do that. It's scary.

Nina carried me and cleaned me. I didn't stop crying the whole time. She yelled and tried to cover my mouth so I would be quiet. it only made it harder to breathe. I tried doing what Danielle said to do today but it didn't work. it didn't work again. It wasn't until Nina helped me change and I went into my room then into the closet that it stopped. The anxiety stopped. 

I brought my journal and one of the flashlights into the closet with me and I am writing everything here. Harper is right. It calms me down to talk about it to someone. Even if that someone is basicale me. I am just tired and I hope Roberto and Danielle hurry up so we can be a family. I don't like Brian and he scares me. I don't think I can tell Harper. She will look at me with sad eyes and I don't want to feel sad. Not anymore.

I think Timothy just came in the room. He will want to talk to me. I hope he doesn't ask too many questions.

 

 

**July 12, 2007**

Nina thinks I'm sick. I didn't go see Harper today because I'm "sick" (you can use quotation marks when you are lying about something. Harper says it's sarcazm). 

If I am being honest, I feel sick. I think I might be sick because I feel so tired. You can also feel tired because you cry a lot and I have cried a lot so maybe it is because of that. 

Timothy didn't ask many questions when he found me in the closet. He just asked what was wrong and I lied and said I felt sick. He opened the closet and told me that he knows Brian had something to do with it because he left too early after dinner. He looked "wicked" as Timothy said. I don't know if it was because I cried so much or because I was tired but I just jumped and hugged him and started crying on his shoulder because he made me remember.

It was weird and humans are complex things. I am starting to get complex and I don't know if I like it or not. I want to talk to Harper about it but it is always hard to lie to her. It is hard to lie to her when I want to tell her something and I want to tell her this. I want to ask her why humans have so many feelings and why they can cry so much. I didn't know I could cry this much. 

It just hurts. Every time I eat I just remember Brian and the way he looked at me. I remember choking when he put his fingers in my mouth and not being able to fight him. All I could do was throw up. I have not gotten out of my room alone without Timothy because I am scared of him. I don't want to be alone with him. Timothy says it is not his fault he is like that. But Harper always tells me that people make choices to do wrong and right things so it should be Brian's fault for being Brian. For hurting me. 

No person is born a bad person. Nina tells me that and so does Harper. I don't think Brian knows that. 

 

 

**July 18, 2007**

Harper did it! She did the adopting evaluation. It's something she always does when I get to live with a new family. I memorised the questions and I know what they are. She won't tell me but I asked her if I was moving in with the new family and all she did was smile. I know that's what people do when they are telling secrets so I hope that means that it's true. 

I am getting a family! I am so happy. Nina is not telling me anything as well but I am feeling hapinez. I told Timothy and he hugged me. He told me he thinks I am going to stay with the family too. At dinner today I smiled a lot. I ate all my food really quickly cause I wanted to write everything down. I didn't even think about throwing it all up or choking on people's fingers. Brian asked me why I was smiling "like a freak". Timothy told him to "fuc off". I don't know what that means but it sounds bad and Nina made that face where she expects us not to repeat what someone else says. 

I tried to remember what Harper says "don't be mean to people just cause they are mean to you". I asked her that time what if someone stabbed me. Would I just have to smile at thank them? She laughed and said it depends. I don't like when people say it depends because what does it even depend on? How can people just know what it depends on and what the difference is from common sense and not? I guess Brian is right. I don't have common sense. 

But at least I don't hurt people like Brian. I told him that I was smiling because I was getting a family. He did this weird thing with his middle finger at me and Nina hit him on the head as she saw. She frowned. I think it was bad as well. The other kids just laughed. 

I don't think they understand what I feel right now. None of the other kids are mean to each other in the way they all are to me. I think they don't think about how happy I am to live with people who don't care how different I am (in the good way). I remember that a lot less people wanted to adopt me when I started talking to Harper. I was three. I don't think the other kids understand that as well. Most of them don't even remember when they were three. I don't know why if it isn't that hard to just remember something. 

It is like learning your multiplication tables. it just happens. 

But I am happy and I hope I get to go live with them soon. 

 

 

**July 21, 2007**

Brian is still mad. He pulled my hair because I was telling Timothy at breakfast that Nina was going to give me a haircut for when Danielle and Roberto were supposed to come and take me to the park on Saturday. Nina told Brian he "should be happy for me." He smiled. I don't know why but I started feeling anxiety when he smiled. It was a weird smile and he just continood eating. 

Timothy went to go play with Gia. She is a five yearS old and she wanted to play dolls with him. When I first came here i asked Brian if he wanted to play dolls with me. That was the first time he told me I was weird and that boys are not supposed to play with dolls. I asked Timothy about it when I had to put all my clothes in the closet we shared. He said that anyone can play dolls if they want to and Brian was being sexist. 

He says being sexist is bad and it is when you expect "diferent jenders" to do "stereotipical" things. Harper says that people that are sexist can't think of other ways to look at people. Maybe that's why Brian can't think of another way to look at me besides weird. I know I can be weird but I don't mean to. I can be happy too and smart and nice. I think I am nice sometimes and at times I am even funny. I make a lot of people laugh all the time. Even Brian has laughed when I do something so he must know I am funny. 

He just doesn't like me though. After we finished eating I had to help clean the kichen with Brian and Jimmy. Jimmy is sixteen. He washed the dishes. Brian dried them, and I cleaned the table. Jimmy left and I was alone with Brian. I was scared a little but it had been eight days since he made me throw up. So I wasn't too much anxiety. Just a little bit. 

I finished too and was going to put the rag next to the sink to dry and then Brian turned on the sink water and sprayed me. it was so hot and I screamed as I felt it touch my shirt. I tried to grab the sink handle from him with my left hand but it started hurting too. My tummy was so hot and Brian wouldn't stop no matter what. Jimmy came running inside the kichen and he turned off the water and yelled at Brian. 

I didn't cry though. I am tired of crying. I just breathed like when I have too much anxiety and tried to focus on the sound of Jimmy's voice like Danielle says. I tried scratching at my arm and it hurt so much that it was getting hard not to cry. There was blood though and Jimmy came in and pulled my other arm away. He told me not to touch it. I told him I wanted to talk to Timothy and he yelled Timothy's name. 

Nina came too and I whispered to Timothy that my tummy hurt too. Nina told me to take off my shirt and she made that noise when people see surprises. But it was not a happy surprise sound. It was a sad one. She said that I needed to go to the hospital and I told her I didn't want any needles. She said that I would need a lot of more needles if I didn't go. So I agreed. 

The doctors said that it isn't too bad because my shirt was protecting me but the burn on my arm needed a skin graft. It was big. The burn has about half of my left arm. 

That was all on Saturday. It is Monday now and I am supposed to leave the hospital tomorrow. I don't know if I will see Harper but I know that I won't be in the group home for a long time now. I saw Jo. She's the person always changing my group homes and she came and I saw her talking to Nina yesterday. I don't like Brian but I don't want to change group homes. If the family doesn't adopt me then I don't want to start over again. 

I hope Jo let's me talk to her. I can make a "compromise" as Harper says. Jo looks mad at Nina though and I don't know if she will listen to me. I want to tell her that Timothy is nice. He even brought me my journal cause he can drive today. He says that I don't have to worry about being moved because it is probably Brian who they will move. 

I think that is a better option than moving me. Timothy wants to play cards with me so I have to stop writing. 

 

 

**July 30, 2007**

I haven't been able to write because I had to go back to the hospital. I went back to the group home though on July 22nd and Brian was still there. Jo was there too and I made a worried face and squeezed her hand. Harper says those are good ways to tell someone you are scared without using words. I decided not to use words cause Brian was close and he could hear me. 

Jo took me to the kitchen and told me that there was not anything she could do "right now". I asked her what about in a few minutes and she just nodded from side to side. She said that the family that wants to take me was coming back from an emerjense visit to their grandma on August 4th. She also said that she couldn't do anything about Brian because there was no evidence that he did anything and he is saying he did nothing and it was an acsident. 

She said that I had to tell her exactle what happened. I told her I didn't want to talk about it. She knows I don't like talking about things that hurt. She just gave me a hug and told me that she would be in three days. 

Jo is one of the three people who I let hug me. The others are Harper and Timothy. Sometimes I let Danielle and I would let Roberto hug me too. Not all the time though. Only sometimes. 

Anyways, after that I went to my room. Jo had told me to start packing because I would be moving into the family's house soon. I started doing that and then Timothy came and helped me. He said he heard me tell Jo that I wouldn't say anything about Brian. He asked me why. 

I got frustrated because I didn't want to tell another person the same thing. Repeating myself is annoying and I was done thinking about annoying things. My head was starting to hurt and I felt like I was going to scream if I kept thinking about it.

Timothy left me alone after I didn't answer. He talked about how nice the family looked. He also said that the family had come to the hospital while I was in surgery but they left after getting a phone call really quickly. I said it was because their grandma was sick. He nodded and grabbed all my clothes. He started folding them and asked me if my wounds hurt. He said boo boos, but I'm sofisticated and use big words like wounds. 

It did hurt a little bit, but not as much as it hurt before so I said no. We went to sleep when Nina yelled for everyone to go to sleep. I brushed my teeth in the bathroom. I was almost done until Brian came inside to brush his teeth. I thought I was fast enough, but I wasn't. He looked at me and smiled when he looked at my arm. He asked me if it hurt and I answered the same way I did to Timothy. 

He laughed and said "I didn't do as good a job as I thought". I left after that. I was glad he didn't touch me. When I got into the room I suddenly felt anxiety and I couldn't breathe. Timothy came inside the room and he saw me. He hugged me and told me to breathe. I whispered I couldn't and he just rubbed my back. 

He said I was having a panic attack. I couldn't speak much, but I asked him why. He said it was because I "was afraid of something". I told him I was afraid of Brian and he just hugged me and I tried to do what Danielle said. I breathed and breathed and breathed so much. Timothy said it took five minutes and six seconds for me to calm down. I asked him for an exact time. He tucked me into bed and told me everything was fine. I didn't think it was.

I don't want to talk about anymore bad things. Maybe I will explain later. 

 

 

**August 6, 2007**

I moved houses two days ago. It's new and scary but I think I am going to get used to it. I learned the parent's ajenda and I put everything in my new room. I like my new room cause it has so many cool things. It has a blue bed and white walls. It also has three shelves for books that I want to get. It also has my own desk and a closet that's so big! The house is big too and has so much space. I also have my own bathroom and the bathroom has blue things inside of it too. I like it. I like it a lot. 

The family eats meals together just like I did in the group home. They talk a lot about their lives and what they feel sad about. They asked me how I felt and I said better.

I didn't want to talk about it last time but my wound got infected because nobody changed my bandages and Brian wouldn't let me tell anyone. He said he would tell the family that I was weird and a freak and that they wouldn't want me anymore. So i didn't remind Nina to do it and I lied to Timothy when he asked me about it. 

I was wishing nothing would happen but then I went to go see Harper and she said I "fainted" and went back to the hospital. I had to stay there for some time and then I went back to the group home on July 29th. I still didn't want to tell them about how my wounds got infected so I just told them I forgot to change my bandages. 

Roberto said he was mad at Nina for not taking care of me and Phillip asked me what happened. I said if it was okay that I didn't want to talk about it and Danielle said "of course. Talk when you are ready". I don't think I will ever be "ready" but I just nodded. 

They don't expect me to help clean the kitchen yet. They want me to not have to wear bandages anymore to help. I am okay with that. Right now I am in my room and I feel a little sad and I don't know why. I know people feel sad because something happens to them. And I know some things have happened to me. But I'm not sad about them anymore. I am happy. I should be happy. I have a new family and they love me and act so nice to me. 

I just still feel sad though. I think I will tell Harper because I don't know a reason why I should be sad. She always knows what to tell me when I am confused so she will know why. I will ask her on Friday. I didn't see her on Monday because I moved houses but I will on Friday. 

Danielle and Roberto say that I will start school soon and I am a little scared. They want to put me in a "private" school that is new and I don't know what that will be like. I have always been home schooled because I change group homes and homes so much but they say it will "really help me develop". I asked what that meant and they just said they can tell me more tomorrow because they told me after dinner.

Phillip came to talk to me when I finished dinner and he said his parents thought it was a good idea to talk to me. I noticed how he said his parents. I thought he should be saying "our parents" but I just think becoming a family takes a little more. I will ask Harper on Friday about that too. 

He told me he is fifteen years old. His voice was gentle but he didn't look gentle. He had a frown and he sat far away from me on the edge of my bed. Harper says that people don't get close when they aren't comfortable with a new person. I don't think Phillip is comfortable with me. I don't know why. I asked him and he said it was "none of my business". 

I told him that I wanted him to be comfortable with me because we were a family now. He looked at me with an angry face and yelled at me. He said that "we will never be a family. You aren't my brother!". I told him that I was his family and his brother because I was adopted now. I told him with a smile because I think he forgot that I was adopted now and this wasn't just a visit anymore. 

He got mad and slammed my door shut. I still don't think he understands. 

 

 

**August  9, 2007**

They forgot to take me to see Harper. I was supposed to go see Harper. And they forgot. I started getting anxiety. I told Danielle and she said she forgot and that she would take me on Wednesday. I told her I can't on Wednesdays because I go on Mondays and Fridays so I can start and end the week with my therapizt. It's how we have always done. It can't change. So many things have changed and I don't think one more thing can change or my anxiety will be too much. 

She says that they are busy on Mondays and Fridays because of Phillip's sports. That is when I started screaming and hitting. I didn't want them to change my therapizt days. She wouldn't even listen to me. I can't just go with Harper one time a week. I want to see her more times. I need to see her more times. 

I have so much to talk about and no one will listen like Harper does. She knows what to say and when to say it. I'm not int he group home either so I can't talk to Timothy or Nina. I can't talk to anyone. Danielle and Roberto don't know what to say and they talk too much and don't be quiet to let me talk. And Phillip doesn't like me. 

I am crying now and I don't think I can continoo writing. My chest hurts and I'm tired. I want Harper. 

 

 

**August 12, 2007**

Danielle didn't take me to go see Harper yesterday and I feel like my whole body hurts. My brain hurts because I am thinking of so many things that I can't talk to anyone about. Harper makes me head not hurt by talking about things and then I don't think about them anymore. 

I heard Roberto talking to Danielle while I was drying the dishes because I am better now to help clean after dinner. He says that they are "babying" me by taking me to therapy. I don't understand how you can even "baby" someone and I would say I would ask Harper but I don't think I am going to see her. I am supposed to see her tomorrow, but I don't know. Danielle didn't promise and when people don't promise it means they can not do it. 

I should have made her promise me. 

Roberto also was talking about treating me like a "normal child". I don't know what he means by that either. I am normal. I am a human and I look like one. Maybe he is talking about the "different" thing Harper talked to me about. Writing her name makes me sad that I haven't talked to her in a week. It makes me frustrated that I have so much to talk about and I can't do it. 

I thought maybe I could ask Phillip to call Timothy because he wrote down his number in the back of my journal. He said if I ever need to talk to call him. He doesn't have his own phone, but he uses the group home's wall phone like everyone does. Nina says it's so we won't try to call strangers or people we aren't supposed to talk to.

So I went to Phillip's room and I knocked on his door. He didn't answer so I knocked again, louder. He opened the door and then saw it was me. His face had a frown on it and he asked me what I wanted. I told him that if he had a phone I could use to call someone at the group home. He said he did. I got exited for a little until he asked me why. 

I didn't know what to say, but ~~Harper~~ my therapizt says that it's good to tell the truth when you want something. It makes people trust you more and make them more likely to give you what you want. 

I told him a little bit and just said I need to talk to someone. He asked why again and I told him I have a lot of thoughts I am thinking about and no one to talk to. He asked another question and I felt annoyed. He said I have Danielle and Roberto to talk to so why don't I? 

I told him I am not comfortable talking with Danielle and Roberto. I also said that I hadn't seen my therapizt since I got here and I felt very sad. He looked at me for a while. I could feel his eyes on me even though I didn't look at his. I thought he was going to ask me another question and I thought if he did I was going to start screaming because my head already hurt and he was being annoying. 

Instead, he let me into his room. He grabbed his phone and then changed the screen so it was on the number pad. It is a weird phone. It looked like Nina's because it had only one button on the bottom and is very smooth and flat. I like it. 

Phillip made me sit on his bed. He told me that his parents would kill him if he let me talk by myself. I told him that his parents didn't look like people that would kill their child, he just chuckled and went to do stuff at his desk. 

I pulled out my journal that I had brought with me and started dialing the number. It rung for a few seconds until I heard Nina's voice. She asked who it was and I said it was me and I wanted to talk to Timothy. She said that Timothy was out doing something. She told me that she would have Timothy call me when he got home then she hung up the phone. 

I told Phillip that the person I wanted to talk to wasn't there and I gave him back his phone. I told him thank you and he said if he got a call he would tell me. I left his room after that and then we ate dinner together. I asked Danielle if I would see Harper tomorrow and she said that something came up. I asked her what that meant and she said that I wouldn't be able to see Harper. 

I didn't clean the kitchen or the table after that. I just ran up to my room and closed my room. I screamed into my pillow to calm myself down. I started crying again and I just calmed down. 

I am tired of crying and my head won't stop hurting. 

 

 

**August 15, 2007**

Timothy called Phillip's phone today. He said that he was busy and he was sorry for not calling sooner. I told him that it was fine and I was happy he called. He asked me why I called and I said that I am sad. I am sad because I have so many words to say but no one will listen to me. 

He asked if I had tried talking to anyone. I said no and I felt a feeling of shame as I shifted on top of Phillip's bed. I still had to stay in his room as I talked. His room is clean though and it smells nice so it's fine. Timothy said I should try talking to people because they were my new family. He also said I should talk to Harper if I feel sad. 

That made me feel even sadder and I started crying. I don't even know why because I didn't think I was still so sensitive to missing Harper. Phillip looked up from his desk when he heard me snifling. He looked concerned, but he didn't say anything. Timothy asked me why I was crying and I explained how Danielle kept lying to me about when she could take me to see Harper. Phillip looked a little angry when I said that.

I ignored it though and just looked at the floor as Timothy told me to tell him what confused me. I told him that I heard Roberto tell Danielle not to take me to therapy because it was "babying" me and I asked him what that meant. He told me it was a verb, an action word, that people use. It means when you treat someone like they are a baby and give them everything they want instead of letting the person figure it out themselves. 

I asked him how me going to therapy was "babying" me and he said that Roberto thought that I should be understanding my own thoughts and not depending on Harper to help me. I told him that Harper says that it's okay to depend on people when you are confused and he said he agreed and Roberto "was being a dick". 

I asked him what a "dick" was and that made Phillip look at me with his eyes wide. Timothy was laughing and he didn't answer my question. I asked him again and he said that he would tell me in person. I was okay with that. I asked him if he could come and see me and he said that he was actually getting emancipated. He even spelled it out for me so I would know how to spell it. 

He says it's so he doesn't have to live in a group home and he can live by himself. He said that's why he was busy the last two days. I said that it sounded good and I was happy for him. He told me I was acting nice and was getting better at talking to people. He also said that if something is making me sad, like the Harper thing, I should tell people about it because "nothing gets better if people don't even know something is wrong". I asked him if that meant that I had to tell Danielle and Roberto and he said yes. I only told him I was scared that I would make them mad and then I would go to the group home and Brian would hurt me again. 

Timothy said that I have to be brave and he wouldn't let Brian do anything to me. I still told him I was scared of him and that Brian is very smart and would find a way to hurt me. I heard him sigh and he said that everything was going to be okay. He then said he had to go because he had to go help Nina set up the table for lunch and I said goodbye. I gave the phone back to Phillip and said thank you. 

I then walked downstairs and I knocked on Danielle and Roberto's room and they said I could go in. They asked me what was wrong and I said that I wanted to see Harper. Danielle said that next Wednesday, but I yelled at her. I told her that I was frustrated when she kept lying to me and it made me sad when people don't listen to me. She asked why I felt that they weren't listening to me and I said that I was sad and I need to talk to Harper about it. 

Roberto asked me why I can't just talk to them about what makes me sad. And I said that Harper understands me and I miss her. He said that I should be talking to them because they are my parents. The more they talked the more angry it made me. Jo always said that my parents would listen to me and do what I wanted and made me happy. I told them that and said that going to talk to Harper makes me happy and calm. I told them that if I didn't talk to Harper my head hurt.

I also told Roberto that Harper doesn't "baby me". She treats me like a big kid and she helps me when I am confused. 

They both looked sad and they said that they would look into it and that I should go to bed. I didn't move as I stood in front of their bed and they looked at me. I could feel myself start crying and I repeated what Jo said to me about what parents are supposed to do. I told them that I knew they thought I was weak because I depend on Harper. I said that I didn't care that I was weak and that I needed to talk to Harper. 

They both didn't talk until Danielle said that she would take me on Monday. I asked her to promise me and she said she promised. I went to hug her and told her thank you. Roberto didn't hug me though and as I went to bed he looked a little mad. 

This isn't what I thought a family would be like. 

 

 

**August 18, 2007**

I saw Harper today. My head feels a lot better and my chest doesn't hurt anymore. Harper said she was glad to see me and asked why I hadn't come to see her. I told her that my new parents didn't like me coming to talk to her because they thought I was weak.

She asked me why I thought that and I told them all about the "babying" situation and what Timothy had said and what had happened on Friday. She asked if I wanted her to talk to Jo to make sure I kept coming to therapy and I told her it would make me really happy if she could do that.

She smiled and told me that I was getting better at my people skills. I smiled back and told her that my people skills weren't good enough because Phillip didn't like me. I told her that at first I thought he forgot that his parents adopted me because he was being so mean, but then after I told him he still wasn't acting like a bruther. She reminded me that people are complex and not as straight forward as me. I told her that annoyed me and she laughed. She also said she got a present for me. It's a dictionary so I can look at how to spell words. She even taught me how to look through it and find words. I told her thank you. I then told her all about my new room and the bookshelves that I could put my new dictionary on. 

I also told her about my new school and she said that I sounded very happy with everything. I told her I was, but I was still sad about my family not acting like how I thought they would act. She said if I wanted to go back to the group home then and I yelled at her that of course I didn't want to go back. She asked why I was shaking and I told her I wasn't. I was lying.

She asked if it had to do with Brian. I started shaking more and I asked her what was happening. She started talking, but then I felt like I couldn't breathe. She told me to breathe and I just yelled that I couldn't. She hugged me and told me to listen to her heartbeat to calm down. It worked after seven minutes and fourty-five seconds. It lasted longer than last time. 

She brought me a bottle of water and then asked me if that has happened before. I nodded and drank some of the water. Harper asked if I had any nightmares and I told her sometimes. I never know how she knows everything. She then asked me if I had written any of my nightmares down in my journal and I said that I hadn't because I don't like thinking about them. She sighed and nodded her head. 

I told her that they were about Brian and she asked me if I wanted to talk about them. I was about to tell her no, but then she said that I didn't have to tell her all of it, just little parts at a time. I told her I didn't want to, and she said it was okay. 

I talked to her about a lot of things too. There is just so much and my hand already feels tired. 

I will start school next week though and Danielle says that her and Roberto are going to go visit it on Thursday so that I can see what it is like before I go on Monday. I told her that it was a good idea and that it made it easier to go to the new school. 

I still don't know how Roberto feels about me going to go see Harper, but I hope he doesn't make me stop going again. Phillip is knocking on my door now. He says that Timothy is calling me. I am going to go now. 

 

 

**August 21, 2007**

The school is nice, it is very structured. I like it. It has a lot of simple rooms, there aren't a lot of colors everywhere or lots of weird things that make loud sounds. Danielle said it was for kids "as great as me". I don't know what that means, but I just nodded. 

The principal is nice, she says she likes me. I don't know if I like her, but she talks with a gentle voice, so I think I will later on. I then got to see my classroom. I like it because the walls are blue. There are also a lot of learning books everywhere and the teacher, Mr.Kevin, that's what he said his name was, told me that I can read any book I wanted when I came to school on Monday. That makes me happy and exited to start school!

 We came back home after, Phillip had a friend over when I went upstairs. I was about to go in my room, but then I heard Phillip;s phone ringing. I memorized the ringtone, it's loud music. It sounds like pop and it's a little annoying, but I got exited cause I thought Timothy might be calling me. I went and stood at his doorway, his door was open and when people leave the door open, it means that they don't mind people coming into their rooms. 

Phillip looked at me weird and his friend asked him "is this him?" Phillip nodded after that. His friend looked at me weirdly. He licked his lips and then turned away. I felt uncomfortable. His eyes were weird, they just kept looking at me. I told him if he could stop looking at me and he said no. I asked him why and he just chuckled and told Phillip "I was sure something". 

I didn't like the way he said it. Phillip just nodded his head and asked me what I wanted. I told him that I thought Timothy had called. He said it wasn't Timothy and I nodded and walked out of his room. As I walked out I heard Phillip's friend say "He's cute" and Phillip told him "he's also nine and my adopted". I don't know what being cure has to do with me being nine and adopted, but the way his friend said it made my skin feel weird. 

It felt tingly, and not in the good way. It almost hurt and I ran into my room. 

At dinner, Roberto and Danielle left to go on a "date". It's when two people go out and do something together. Phillip ordered a pizza and I ate with him and his friend at the table. I learned his friend's name was Max and I had to sit next to him. Phillip sat in front of us. They talked a lot for a while and I tried to eat faster. I was about to stand up until Max grabbed me by my thigh and made me sit back down. 

I told him not to touch me and he smiled and Phillip told him to "stop". 

Max then started asking me lots of questions and I answered them with one word. Harper says if you do that people will get annoyed with you and stop talking to you. She told me that after I told her a kid yelled at me for doing it. Max didn't yell at me though and he kept asking me questions. 

I looked at Phillip and told him I was done and wanted to leave. He told Max that "he was acting like a pedophile". I asked Phillip what that meant and he didn't answer. I will ask Timothy next time he calls. 

I got up after that, and I was about to go wash my plate, but Phillip told me to go upstairs and he whispered in my ear to lock the door. I was about to ask him why and he told me not to ask questions. He was starting to scare me. People start whispering when something is a secret and secrets happen when you don't want people to hear you. 

I don't understand why Phillip didn't want Max to hear him to tell me to lock my door. It makes my stomach do that weird anxiety thing. I feel like throwing up and I don't want to, so I am laying in bed. 

I hope Max is gone when I wake up. i don't like him.

 

 

**September 3, 2007**

School had been good. I have been busy. There is a lot to do at school and I told Harper that the first day was great. Roberto hasn't said anything about not going to go see Harper, so I think I am going to keep going to talk to her. That makes me happy. There are some things that don't make me happy though. Mr.Kevin says that when I am thinking about a lot of things that make me feel one thing I should write them down in a list. He says that helps me think about all of them. So I am going to write a list about them.

-There is this girl "Emily" who makes fun of how long my hair is. She calls me a caveman. My hair isn't even that long, it's just messy and to my shoulders.

-Max sometimes picks Phillip up from school and then picks me up from school I don't like him and Phillip always tells me to get out of the car as fast as I can and to tell him if Max does anything to me. It makes me scared and I don't like the way his voice sounds when he tells me to do it. it makes me feel like I am in danger. 

-Danielle makes me eat carrots. I don't like them and I don't understand why i have to eat them if I don't like them. 

-Roberto told me about "puberty" and it's gross and I don't want to get it.

-Harper says I should try sports and I don't want to.

Now I am going to write things that make me happy because I think I like writing lists. It's fun.

-Timothy is almost emancipated and he can come visit me soon. Danielle said it was fine if they get to meet him first. 

-Phillip is acting more like my bruther and he comes in my room sometimes just to talk to me.

-Roberto taught me algebra and I like it. 

-Danielle said if I eat carrots she will let me make cinnamon rolls with her. So I guess carrots aren't that bad. 

-Roberto says he wants to teach me how to ride a bike and I'm exited!

I think that I am happy. I don't know if this feeling is happy, but I think it is because I smile a lot more and I feel tingly, in the good way. Timothy also said that he bought me some pens for my journal, blue, because I only write in blue. He says he sent them in the mail and I am exited. He says that they are clicky pens and I like clicky pens. They are one of the only sounds that don't annoy me. 

Mr.Kevin let's me write with my pens in class. The other kids write in pencil, but I think writing in blue ink is better. I think my life is better now. I like how things are going. I am happy. 

 

 

**October 3, 2007**

I don't want to write about it, but Harper says that I need to talk about it somehow. She says I am worrying people. My stomach hurts because I am thinking about it. I don't like it. My hand is shaking. I don't think I should write about it. 

Phillip just came in my room and he says he wants to talk to me. I have to go. 

 

 

**October 4, 2007**

I told Phillip. He says he is going to kill Max. I told him he can't because it will be first-degree murder. He says he doesn't care, but I told him to not kill Max. He said that I have to tell Danielle and Roberto. I told him that Jo will take me away from his home. Phillip said that they would fight to keep me, but I told him Jo wouldn't let me come back. 

Phillip asked me what I wanted to do. I told him that I wanted to not talk about it anymore. I also told him that I want Timothy to come over. He asked if I was going to tell Timothy and I told him I was. He didn't say anything and let me call him. Timothy didn't work today so he said he could come. He asked me what was wrong and I said I would tell him when he comes over. 

Phillip says that Danielle and Roberto are very worried and I told him I knew. He asked me why I hadn't told him sooner. He says he could have filed a report to the police. I told him that Max recorded it and he said he was going to send it to the police and then they would that me away from Phillip's family. Phillip turned red and said he was going to kill Max again. 

He then asked how I knew if he actually recorded it, and I told him I just knew. He didn't make me tell him, but it was because he made me watch it. 

I just threw up and had to go to the bathroom. I hate everything and that's not even possible.

Anyways, I told him that it was fine. It didn't hurt anymore and he hugged me. I told him I didn't want to be touched and he let go of me and asked if he could stay when Timothy came. I told him he could. 

We waited for Timothy together. Phillip kept telling me that he was going to kill Max and I told him he couldn't do that. I told him that he couldn't tell Max I told him. Phillip asked me when it happened. 

I told him I didn't like the questions he was asking. He stopped talking and went to open the door when Timothy came. 

Him and ~~and~~ Timothy came in the room and Timothy hugged me right away. He asked me what was wrong, what had happened, if I was okay. I screamed when he touched me so quickly and he looked at me with wide eyes. I told Timothy what happened and he started yelling. It made me glad that Danielle and Roberto were outside. 

Timothy told me he was going to call the police, but I said what would happen if he did. I also told him there is no way to prove Max did it. Phillip mentioned the recordings and Timothy started yelling even more. 

He then looked at my face and he asked me what I wanted. 

I told him I wanted to forget it happened. I told him that I felt so ashamed, and hurt, and mad, and annoyed. 

He asked why. I told him that it hurt and I have nightmares about it. Both of them looked at me with sad eyes. I wanted to tell them to stop, but I was crying so much. 

Phillip tried to tell Timothy to tell the police and Timothy looked at me and then he took a deep breath. He started talking and he said that it happens to a lot of the "foster kids". He says that if they do tell the police, I will have to be removed from the house and sent back to the group home until everything gets sorted out. He also said that it was likely that I would not get to come back because it happened inside of Phillip's house when everyone left me alone. 

It made me remember it and Phillip started crying. He started yelling at how much he hated himself for leaving me alone. He said that he just left to go get food. He could drive now. His birthday was in September. 

He then looked even sadder as he said how he didn't even notice anything was wrong until I stopped talking to everyone. 

Phillip is asking if I want to go get ice cream with him. I want to, so I am going to go. 

I think telling people helped. I feel better.

 

 

**October 7, 2007**

I messed up the order of my writing. I always wrote on multiple of 3. Because it is my favorite number. Three is a special number because it is always used to show completeness, perfection. There is something about three that always stays the same too. If you multiply any number by three the digits will always add up to 3 or 6 or 9. It is steady, it is "static". 

I like static things. I don't like when my world changes. Which I guess is ironic because I am a foster kid. It's just being a foster kid was my "static". I never was afraid of anything if things didn't change suddenly. I got used to the other kids. I didn't care if they looked at me like I was weird. 

I didn't care. 

Now I feel sad all the time and I have nightmares. I don't like havign nightmares or thinking about what happened. Telling Phillip and Timothy helped, but it still hurts. I can't forget it. I want to forget it. 

I went to school and Jo was there. Danielle and Roberto called her because I hadn't been talking for a month. Jo asked me what happened and I just said my life wasn't "static" anymore. She asked what I meant and I just said that "a lot of things were changing". She looked at me with sad eyes. She asked me if I was okay. 

I am not. But I told her I was. I don't know why I lied to her. I never lie to Jo. I don't tell her things sometimes, but I never lie to her. 

I never saw the point in lying. I never understood why people lied. If you are feeling something or you do something then you shouldn't lie about it because it makes the problem worse. Harper says that. I think I understand now what she means when she said people lie because it makes them feel "protected".

I don't know how keeping words can make you feel protected, it sounds impossible and not true, but I understand it more now. 

Making people feel like you are okay, makes them stop asking questions. They don't look at me with sad eyes if they think I am fine. If I try really hard not to scream when people touch me then people will stop looking at me with wide eyes. 

If I just lie about it, maybe it will go away.  I really want it to go away.

 

 

**November 27, 2007**

It's Thanksgiving today. Today was a good day. I think I am better now. Lying has helped a lot. The nightmares don't go away but I don't tell anyone about those anymore. Roberto's parents came to the house. They all said they were happy to meet me and that I was a "handsome boy". I told them that I didn't have to recorded features for having an attractive face and they laughed and pinched my cheeks

It was weird. 

Harper came too and Jo. They didn't eat dinner with us because they said that they had to go with their own families, but they said they were happy for me and to have a good day. Timothy came too, he is emancipated now. He says he can go wherever he wants without needing an adult. Danielle says he likes him and Phillip likes him too. They talk a lot. I think they are friends. 

We ate dinner later. There was so much food and Roberto said that he was happy we are all here and he said he was "happy Isaac could be a part of out family this year". I started crying. Everyone thought there was something wrong, I did too. But I said that I wasn't sad. I actually felt very happy. I think it is because I finally saw what a family was. Everyone was smiling at me and Danielle came to hug me. 

She told me that she loved me and I told her that I loved her too. 

My heart is beating fast as I write about it. It makes me happy. I think it's because I am happy. I will have to ask Harper about it since this hasn't happened before. 

While we ate dinner we talked about different stuff. Timothy told everyone about his emancipation and told them about how he got an apartment close to school and he is trying to get scholarships for college. Phillip said that he starts that next year. I think it is because Phillip is a year younger than Timothy. 

We talked a lot and for the first time in a long time I didn't feel like I was talking too much. I laughed a real laugh that I didn't have to make up. I felt good. i still feel good. I think everything is okay now. I think that I feel okay now. 

Phillip hasn't stopped talking to me everyday anyway. He calls Timothy everyday. He says that it's because he wants me to talk to him, but I think he just likes Timothy and wants to be his friend. Phillip turns red when I tell him that. I think he is embarrassed. 

After eating, everyone went to different rooms to talk. Timothy and Phillip went to the movie room with me and we watched a movie. Phillip asked me if I liked "our grandparents". I looked at him and he asked why I was looking at him. 

I told him because he had never used the word "our" when he talked about his family. He turned red and he said he never noticed it. He said he was sorry, but I didn't know what for. He didn't explain it, he just said he was sorry again.

When I think about it now, I think he was sorry because he never acted like he thought of me as family for a long time. I know Harper said that it takes a while for people to become a family, and I didn't want to wait that long. 

I am glad I waited though. I am glad we are a family now. I'm glad Phillip is my bruther now. It makes me happy.

 

 

**November 30, 2007**

Phillip told me why he didn't like me at first. He said it was because he used to have a brother that was "different" like me and he died five years ago. He says he thought his parents were trying to replace him by adopting me. 

I told him that you can't replace people because they aren't objects. He said he agreed. He started to cry and I hugged him. I know sometimes I fell better when people hug me, so I thought it would be a good idea. It was because he stopped crying. 

He told me that he was happy that I was his bruther now and I smiled. I told him I was happy too. 

We spent today at the park with "our" grandparents and Danielle and Roberto. I asked what their names were on Thanksgiving, but they just said "Abuela" and "Abuelo". I don't think those are their real names, but they won't tell me otherwise. I just nodded either way. 

We had fun at the park, there were some kids who were laughing a lot behind me at one time. They accidentally kept dropping wood chips on me. I thought they were doing it on purpose, but they said "sorry" and said that they "didn't see me there". I don't know how they couldn't see me. I wasn't invisible. I was even by myself just writing words on the ground. 

When it was time to go, Phillip asked me why I was covered in wood chips and I said that other kids were throwing them. He nodded and the group of kids laughed. It was weird. 

I know accidents happen, but it happened twelve times. I guess they didn't have very good eye sight. 

After the park we went to the ice cream store. I got chocolate ice cream in a cup. Cups are better because they make less of a mess. As we were eating "Abuela" pointed to a guy and told Phillip "he's a good catch". Phillip's face turned red. 

I asked what she meant because it sounded like she was fishing, but you can't fish for people. She laughed and she told me that she was being a "wing woman". I asked her what that was and she said it was "someone who helps another person find someone to date". I looked at Phillip after that and he turned even redder. I didn't think anyone could turn that red. 

I then asked her if she wanted that guy to date Phillip. Phillip told me to stop and Abuela just laughed. I then asked her if she knew the person she was talking about was a guy. She said yes, and I told Phillip that I didn't know he liked guys. He turned even more red. I really didn't think anyone could get that red. I thought he was going o die and I went and hugged him so he would not die. 

Abuela laughed more and Phillip told me to "not say anything like that in front of anyone". I nodded and told him I wasn't going to because I didn't want him to die. The rest of our family laughed as they heard what was going on. 

We then went home after that and "Abuelo" said he wanted to watch sports with me. I told him I would even though I didn't want to. Sports remind me of Brian and Brian makes me scared. 

Danielle said that she wants to put me in a sport, and then asked me which one I would like. I then looked at her and told her I would think about it. She nodded and went to talk to Phillip.

Abuelo and me watched football. I don't think I like football. Everyone is always hitting each other. I don't want to be hit and very much would not like to get tackled. Papa laughed when I told him that. We talked about a lot of things. Abuelo is very nice and he said that we should go visit one day. I said that it would be nice. 

Today was good, I think that I like Roberto's parents. I have to go back to school tomorrow. I want to see if Mr.Kevin bought anymore learning books for me to read. 

 

 

**December 6, 2007**

Mr.Kevin did buy new learning books! I didn't see Harper on Monday because she was with her family in "Minnesota". I saw her on Friday though and I told her everything about Roberto's grandparents.

I also told her about Phillip and his face turning very red when I said he liked guys. Harper said I shouldn't say that out loud. I asked her why and she said that some people are "homophobic". She says it's when people don't like "homosexual" people. I asked her why they wouldn't like it. 

She then said that "traditionally" a man and a woman were supposed to like each other. I asked her that I never thought about it because I never really saw two people in love. I then asked her if that was why there was always a "mom" and a "dad". She said yes, and then I asked her if there could be two dads. 

She said yes, but not in all states are people allowed to marry. And then I asked he if it was okay why people were mad. She said that they were just like sexist people. I asked her if people would hurt Phillip because he was "homosexual". She said that it could happen and that's why I shouldn't tell people without asking permission or thinking they are trustworthy people. 

I then told her if it was okay that I told her cause I trusted her and she said it was okay and she laughed. 

I don't understand why people are mean to other people because of these things. Sexist people are mean because of how a person is, and homophobic people are mean because they don't like something. 

I know when I don't like something I get mad, but I can't get mad at Harper for being a girl and I can't get mad at Phillip for being homosexual because they can't do anything about it. It's like when people are mad at me for being "different". I can't do anything about it. 

I can try very hard, but I am just me. I told Harper all of that on Friday and she said that my point was "valid". Apparently that means that she agrees. 

I then got home and I told Phillip I was sorry for yelling out he liked guys in front of the whole ice cream shop. He turned red again and I then started hugging him really tight. 

He said it was okay, just not to do it again. I nodded. 

Later, I finished all my homework. I had to write about all the things I learned in class that week. I learned new words from the learning books and I read new words in the dictionary, all the way to the letter B. 

When it was time for dinner, Roberto's parents had to leave. They said that they would come next year and I hugged them both. We then had dinner. I thought it was just going to be the four of us, but then Timothy came. I think Danielle and Roberto really like Timothy. 

I know Timothy likes them too. He likes Phillip a lot too, he talks about him on the phone. 

Dinner was quick, I went to sleep and Timothy slept over. 

Today was a good day. 

 

 

**December 10, 2007**

I don't know what to do. I'm so confused and I don't know what to do. I am really scared. Phillip was supposed to pick me up from school. He said he was going to be a little late so I had to wait with Mr. Kevin or find something to do. I decided to go wait outside because there were other kids waiting outside as well. I even brought a book Mr. Kevin let me borrow. Everything was fine. 

Everything was supposed to be fine now. 

Then I heard a car honk and it was Max. I wanted to scream. I wanted to yell, but I felt like I couldn't breathe. I haven't had a panic attack in a long time. I didn't know what to do so I just looked at him. He told me to get in the car because Phillip wanted him to pick me up. 

I wanted to tell him he was lying because I knew Phillip would never trust Max. Phillip said he wanted to kill him so he would never tell Max to pick me up. I just nodded my head and was about to go back inside until he started speaking again. 

He said it. He said what he did to me in front of all the kids. They didn't know what he was talking about, but he said it loud enough that I could hear him. I froze again and I was so scared. More scared then when I think of Brian. He said he would send the videos to everyone if I didn't get in his car. He said he knew I told Phillip and that I was in trouble. 

I nodded in response. I didn't want to get in the car. I really didn't want to, but Timothy told me what would happen if the videos got out. He said how I would be taken away. How they would have to take me away. They can't take me away. I just looked at him and I wanted to cry. But I couldn't even cry. 

I told him that Phillip would be coming for me and that he would be worried if I wasn't here. He said that I needed to give him an excuse. I told him I wouldn't lie to Phillip. He started getting angry and talked about the videos again and I didn't know what to do. He told me to call Phillip now, and tell him that someone else had picked me up. I said I wouldn't, but he kept talking about the videos and I was about to cry. 

I said I would do it. So I went and went back inside the school when another girl was going outside. I got into the front office and I asked if I could use the phone. She said yes, and I called Phillip. He asked if everything was okay and that he was sorry for making me wait so long because he was doing a big project. I tried so hard not to cry. I tried so hard and I told him that Timothy had come to pick me up. 

He said that Timothy hadn't told him anything and I quickly said his phone was out of battery. He said to tell Timothy thank you and I hung up. The secretary looked at me like nothing was wrong. I think that means I did a good job of pretending. That's good. I think. I don't know. I don't know anymore. 

Max was still outside when I went back. He asked me if I had done it and I just nodded. I started to not breathe again as he opened the back door for me. I just looked at the door and didn't do anything for sixteen seconds and then he talked about the videos and I got in. 

I hate those videos. I hate Max. And I hate all of this. 

Max kept asking me questions and he handed me his phone. He said I had to watch what was on it while he drove. I nodded and then I saw what it was. I said my first words to him and the only words I said that whole time. 

I told him "please". I don't know why. Please has multiple interpretations, but I just hoped he would be nice and let me go; that he wouldn't make me watch the video again. He said I was "funny" and told me to watch it or he was going to crash the car. 

I nodded again and he swerved quickly, almost crashing into someone and I screamed. I then nodded that I would do it. 

So I watched it. I watched the video. I cried. I cried so hard I couldn't breathe anymore. I dropped the phone after eighty-five seconds and the car had stopped. I didn't even know where we were, but my eyes were so blurry because of the tears. 

Everything hurt. 

Max then got out and went to the backseat where I was and he did it. 

He did it again. He told me that if I hadn't told anyone this wouldn't have happened. 

I didn't speak. I just cried. Nothing I said would have made him stop. It didn't make him stop last time either. So I just cried. 

When he was done he told me to fix my clothes and I couldn't move, so he did it for me. He said if I told anyone, it would happen again. He then drove me back home. No one was home yet. I looked at the time and it was still thirty-seven minutes till Phillip would finish, and Danielle and Roberto were at work. Max said there was a key to the house in the pot near the door. 

All I did was nod. I got my stuff and I went into the house. He drove away after that. I locked all the doors. I went and locked every door and checked if it was locked. 

I thought if it happened again I would be okay. But I am not okay. I took a twenty-six minute shower and I am still not okay. I had to go wash my pants too because they had blood on them and my shirt because it was so sweaty. 

I feel gross. I feel horrible and confused and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to pretend. Phillip will be home soon and I don't know what I am going to do. I just want to sleep. I can't tell anyone. I can't go through that again. I can't. I think I will die if it happens again. 

I'm so tired and my legs hurt so much. 

I'm so tired.

 

 

**December 11, 2007**

Timothy called me today and he asked me why I had lied. I was in Phillip's room, but Phillip was downstairs. I told him I didn't know what he was talking about. He said he knew I had lied to Phillip about him picking me up yesterday. 

I told him that I didn't. He just sighed and asked me what happened. 

I told him that nothing happened. He sighed again and I didn't want to lie to him too. I don't like lying. It is almost as bad as pretending. I hate it. I hate everything right now. Timothy just said that he was picking me up from school tomorrow and I told him that I was fine. He said okay, but that he was going to anyways. 

I just said okay and I hung up. I gave Phillip the phone and he asked what we talked about and I just told him that it was about yesterday. He nodded and went to do homework. 

When he closed his door I ran to my room and into my closet and I started crying. My head hurts and my body still hurts. I don't know what to do and I feel like I can't do anything. I think it's because I can't I can't tell anyone. I can't tell Phillip or Timothy the truth. I can't do anything and I hate it. 

I hate Max. I hate Max so much. 

 

 

**December 12, 2007**

I got picked up by Timothy today just like he said. He acted happy. He asked me about my day and I told him about it with simple words. I felt if I talked too much I would start crying. I would start crying because Timothy wants to help me, but he can't. I went to see Harper today too. After school someone has to take me to see Harper and that's what Timothy did. 

I though the was going to take me home, but he just took me to go see Harper. He said that if I wouldn't talk to him at least I would tell Harper. I didn't say anything and got out and went to Harper's office. Timothy said he would find something to do until I was done and that I could call him when I was done. 

I nodded and I went inside. Harper said she was happy to see me and that she got gotten a call from Timothy that something was wrong. I didn't say anything. I didn't want to lie to her too. She just smiled at me and started talking. She said that when bad things happen people need to tell the people that care about them so that they can help. 

I told her that sometimes the person that's hurt will be happier and safer if they don't tell anyone. She then said that's what the hurt person thinks and that it's not true. I then told her that only the hurt person would know if that was true or not. 

She then sighed. It was a sad sigh, I would even say it was disappointed. 

She then started asking why the hurt person would feel unsafe. I looked at her then I answered that the person could be threatened. She asked with what and I said their home. 

Harper looked at me with sad eyes and asked that if the person was being threatened, then they needed help to get rid of the threat and I told her that it wasn't simple. 

She said it never was. Harper said that the hurt person would never be able to feel safe unless they told someone and the problem got fixed. I told her that it wasn't that simple again and she said she disagreed. She explained how the hurt person would always feel unsafe because they were being threatened. 

I then told her that if they said anything it would happen again. She asked what, but I didn't answer. She then continued and she said that it would happen either way, again and again until the person said something because the person who was hurting them would keep making threats. 

I told her that she was lying because the person making threats had promised not to do anything if the hurt person was quiet. 

She said that wasn't true and they would just keep hurting them until the person did something to make it stop. 

I then screamed and I told her to shut up; that I wanted to talk about something different and she said that she was always there to talk. 

I nodded and she asked me about how school was going. I started crying before I could answer. She asked me what was wrong and I didn't know what to say. I just didn't want to think about lying anymore. I didn't want to have to think about hiding it anymore. I was just tired and I wanted to just cry and have people leave me alone. 

I told her that. I said I wanted to be left alone and she said okay. She let me cry and she gave me a juice box and left me alone. 

After I calmed down she asked if I wanted to talk more and I said no. She said she would call Timothy and he came for me. We didn't talk about what happened. We didn't talk the whole way home until he dropped me off. He said hi to Phillip and our family and then left. Phillip asked me how therapy had gone and I smiled and said it was fine. 

I don't want Phillip to worry. I don't want anyone to worry. I just want to be fine, and I don't know how to be fine. 

Harper said that the hurt person should say something or the person that was hurting them would just keep doing it. I don't want to believe it. It makes sense, but I don't want it to. I just want the hurt person to not be hurt anymore. Why does it have to be so hard? Why does the hurt person have to keep getting hurt. 

I don't understand. 

I don't want to be a hurt person anymore. 

 

 

**December 15, 2007**

I didn't go to school today because I have been "sick" all weekend. I told Danielle and Roberto that I didn't feel good and they gave me medicine and made me chicken noodle soup. Roberto even played cards with me. 

Phillip went to school and when he got back he asked me why I lied to him. Timothy had told him. 

I told him the same thing I had told Timothy "I didn't know what you are talking about". 

He asked me if it was Max and I didn't say anything. I told him to stop asking me questions and that I felt sick and tired. 

He said I could sleep after I told him and I said I was tired again and turned to face away from him, wrapped in my blankets. 

He kept talking and he asked me again if it was Max. I didn't say anything and just pulled the blankets over my head. I don't know what I was expecting that to do. Of course I can't hide from him under the blankets. But I wanted to believe I could. 

He pulled the blankets off after a while and he asked what was wrong again. I told him to stop and leave me alone. He said he was going to kill Max and I told him "please". 

Phillip looked at me as I started crying. I told him "please" again. I don't know why, but maybe it was why I told Max please as well. It meant to just please think about what he was doing. It meant "please" just stop. Stop asking me about it. Stop making me lie. 

Stop hurting me. 

Phillip went and hugged me and I didn't scream, I just put my face in his chest and sobbed. It wasn't loud because my face was in his shirt, but it sounded loud in my head. 

Phillip didn't ask me what was wrong after that. I think he already knows. I see it in his face. He's angry and sad. I don't know what to do. 

He just left my room and I can hear him talking on the phone outside my door. He thinks I am asleep but I can hear him talking about me. He's talking to Timothy, he said his name. 

He said Max's name too and I'm scared again. I don't want to be hurt again. I didn't even tell anyone anything. I didn't do anything this time. I stayed quiet. I didn't say anything. I lied. 

And it's going to happen now. It's going to happen again because Phillip knows now. 

I'm not going to school all week. I am not going. 

 

 

**December 17, 2007**

I didn't go to school today again. Danielle and Roberto made me go to a doctor and he said I have a sinus infection. They let me sleep the rest of the day and I did. Danielle stayed home with me and she made me pancakes. 

I ate them and we talked about stuff. She told me I was growing hair on my face and I asked her what she meant by that. She said I was growing facial hair and that when I grew up I would have to shave it. 

I mumbled back a response as I ate my pancakes. She then asked if anythign was wrong and I told her that everything was fine, just that I was tired. She laughed and she kept talking about my facial hair. I asked her about her facial hair and she laughed. 

She says she only shaves her legs because of "social standards". If I wasn't so tired I would have asked her what that meant, but I don't really want to learn anything. I just want to go to sleep most of the time. She kept talking about it though. She showed me a cut on her ankle she got from "shaving" and I asked her why she cut herself on purpose. 

She said it was an accident. I asked her what she shaved with and she told me a razor blade. I have never seen anyone shave their legs before, but at some group home some kids would use razors to cut their skin. It wasn't an accident though. They said it helped them calm down. 

I then asked her if Phillip shaved and she said "of course, he's so self-conscious about it". I smiled because it sounded like I should. It would make her worry less. I then went upstairs and I went to Phillip's bathroom. I found his razor and I looked at it. It was sharp. 

I never understood why kids at my group homes would cut themselves. It didn't make any sense to me. They said it was because they felt they had no control over anything and they wanted to control something. 

Harper has talked about it. She says it's very dangerous if you cut yourself. You can die if you do it too much. I just looked at it and then pulled up my sleeve. I looked at it more for fourty-seven seconds before I put the razor on my arm. I was about to cut myself before I heard someone coming up the stairs. 

It was Danielle, she wanted me to take my medicine. I quickly put the razor back and I said I was in the bathroom. She asked me what I was doing in Phillip's bathroom and I said I was looking for more towels because I wanted to shower. 

She laughed and said that I knew where the towels were. I did. It was a stupid lie. I'm not good at lying. I hate doing it. 

She then gave me my medicine and she read the instructions out loud when she was giving me the medicine. I asked her what she was doing and she said she was makign sure she gave me the right dose because otherwise I would get really sick if she gave me too much. 

I asked her what the side effects could be and she told me to not think about them. I asked her if I could die from taking too many pills. She looked at me with wide eyes and then sighed. She said yes and to not ask those questions because they aren't what you bring up in normal conversation. 

I nodded as I swallowed the pills and went to go shower. She left me alone. 

I think I know how to stop the problem now. 

 

 

**December 20, 2007**

I didn't go to school for the whole week and now it is winter break. Danielle said Mr. Kevin said he was sad that I couldn't make it to class and he gave her some learning books for me to read. I told her I didn't feel like learning and she looked worried. 

I told her it was because I was tired, but I would look at them when I woke up. I haven't and I don't want to. I don't want to do anything. 

I am just sad and I don't know why. I feel bad talking to Phillip because he looks at me with sad eyes. He says no family is coming over for Christmas, so I wouldn't have to worry about too many people being here. I said that it was good. 

He told me that he hates seeing me like this. He says it makes him feel sad. I told him I was fine. 

I still don't think I am very good at lying. 

Danielle wants me to get out of bed more. Roberto carried me into the living room and made me watch sports with him. We even played with cards as a family. 

I tried. I tried really hard to smile. i know they like when I smile, but I just couldn't. 

I don't know what to do. Lying isn't working anymore and everyone looks at me with sad eyes. I just want everyone to stop looking at me with sad eyes. I just want it to all go away. 

I don't want to have to lie down in bed and be scared. I just want to be happy and I am not happy. 

Solving this problem is scary. I don't know if I can do it, but I think if they don't stop looking at me with sad eyes I am going to do it. 

 

 

**December 21, 2007**

Timothy came today. He says he is going to spend Christmas with us and I don't know if I am happy. It just means more sad eyes will be looking at me. Danielle won't give me anymore pills, she doesn't tell me to take them anymore, but she left them in the bathroom. 

I think I want to do it before Christmas so I don't have to see everyone's sad eyes. Harper is supposed to be coming too and Jo. I don't want them to be sad too. I am tired of making everyone sad around me. I never thought that something like that could make someone tired. But it does. It makes me tired and I think I am tired of being tired. 

Nothing I write makes sense anymore. I don't like it. I don't like anything anymore. I just want to not have all these thoughts in my head. I want to not have to think about Max or Danielle or Phillip of Timothy. I just want everything to go back to the way it was. I want to be happy again.

I want Phillip and me to be bruthers and I want Timothy to smile when he talks in front of me. I don't want everyone looking at me anymore.

I don't want to make them look at me that way. I know I can't make them, but it feels like I am making them. I notice how their faces are normal until they see me. They are probably scared for me. I know how I look. 

I look sad. So it's my fault that they are sad. I don't think I can handle it anymore. I don't want to make them sad. They have been so nice and all I do is make them sad. 

Sad. Sad. Sad. SAD! Everything is just SAD! 

Now I am crying. I don't know what to do. 

Phillip is coming inside my room. I need to go. 

 

 

**December 22, 2007**

Phillip and Timothy talked to me. They told me I wasn't fine. They said I was not okay. 

I smiled and told them I was just tired, but Timothy said I have "been tired for a month". I told him it was twelve days and he said it was "not the point". I still smiled though. It was harder because they both looked very serious. 

Phillip told me that he didn't know what to do because I wasn't getting better. He said that he needed to do something to get Max to stop. I screamed and told him not to do anything. I squeezed and I told him that he couldn't. 

Timothy had to pull me off of Phillip and he said that it was the only way I would ever feel safe again. I told him that if he were to tell then I would be sent to the group home and I would never feel safe again. 

Phillip said he would fight for me; that Danielle and Roberto would fight for me. I told him that I didn't want anyone fighting and he said he meant they wouldn't let me live in the group home. I yelled and I said that it isn't how it works. 

Timothy said that it was the best and I yelled at them that it would never work because it hadn't worked before. 

That's when their eyes went wide and they looked at me with faces worse than their sad faces. Phillip asked me what I meant and I just didn't talk and tried to hide underneath the blankets. Timothy sighed and he started gently talking to me and asked me the same question. 

I told him I didn't want to talk about it. 

I never thought I would write about it in my journal, but for a while this has been the only way I can get my head to stop thinking so much. So I am going to write it. 

I told Timothy that last time something like this happened I was sent to a group home. The family never got me back and my social worker moved me from states, where I would be with Jo. I told them that Jo promised nothing like what happened before would happen again. 

She said that she would move me to a different state without question if I got hurt again. Everyone was silent. They both didn't speak and I thought I made them angry, but then Phillip told me that it was different this time. 

I yelled and I told him it wasn't. It wasn't because it still hurt the same way it did before. I told him that I didn't think it was wrong before. I told him how he told me it was supposed to hurt. I told him everything and I told him how when Max did it, it made me have nightmares. 

I told them that I didn't know how bad it was until it happened again and I realized that it was very wrong. I realized that it hurt so much and that it made me feel unsafe. I told them that the videos Max had made me want to throw up. 

I told them that I was so sad and that I didn't know what to do. I told them that I was tired of making everyone sad. 

I told them everything and they didn't ask me questions. They just listened. They didn't look at me with sad eyes, but theu did cry and hug me. Phillip said that he was "sorry". I didn't know why because he hadn't done anythign wrong, but I was too tired to ask. 

It was the first time I told somebody. The first time that someone listened. I don't know how I feel about it. Lately, it had been hard to feel anything about anything. 

I think it's weird in a way. Not the bad kind of weird though. Not like the other kids use when they are maiing fun of me. 

Just a confusing weird. 

A little happy?

I think it might be relief, a feeling like I am not so alone anymore. Almost like I don't have to keep lying about everything. 

I think it helped. Telling people helped. 

Phillip asked if my face was in any of the videos. I told him "no". He looked at me with wide eyes and said he knew how to fix it. He told Timothy he could just report him for "child pornography" and Timothy said they would try to find out who was the child and Max would probably tell them. Phillip stopped havign wide eyes and looked at me with a sorry look. 

I told him that I was fine. I said that because I think I am feeling fine now. 

I don't think I am going to do it. 

I think I found a better way to solve the problem. 

Even if it is not 100% proven to work. I think that I don't want to leave everything anymore. I think it can get better. 

 

 

**December 29, 2007**

Christmas happened. I smiled. I smiled in a way that I didn't have to pretend. I want to believe that everything will be okay. I really do. I don't know if anything will ever be okay, but I know that I will try very hard to not pretend anymore. 

Phillip said that pretending will only make the problem worse. He said I have to be honest with him and everyone else about everything. He says that I can tell him everything and he will try his best to help me. Timothy also said that he would be there for me. For Christmad I got my very first phone. 

Danielle said that I could have my own passcode and I could call people on it. I told her that I was thankful. Timothy gave me his number and so did the rest of my family. It makes me feel safer. 

It makes me feel safer to know that I can call someone when I am feeling not safe. I think that's an improvement. Harper says that improvement is good. I haven't seen her at all this break, but I think she wouuld say I am making lots of improvement. 

I think talking helps. I never thought it would. It never made sense how words could make anyone feel better in any way. I never understood why people wanted to listen to other people's problems. And until now I never understood how much a family could make everything better. 

Harper says that a hurt person's best chance at getting better was asking for help. I never understood that either. I think these past months I have learned so much about people that I don't think I can write it all down without having my hand hurt. 

I think that it is enough for now. I am going to go watch a movie with my family. 

I never thought I would be able to say that. It is good. The problem is getting better. 

 

 

**December 31, 2007**

Today is the last day of the year. I don't want to write at the night time because I know ~~Danielle and Roberto~~ my parents will want to celebrate a new year with me and Phillip and Timothy. I never celebrated the end of a year or the start of a new one. I never thought it was very important. It just meant I was older and no one would want to adopt me anymore. It meant that more people looked at me weirdly when I screamed.

It always meant bad things. 

I don't want to celebrate this year because that would mean celebrating everything and this year was not the best. I don't want to celebrate something that made me feel so confused and sad. But I think I want to celebrate the new year because I feel like I have waited. I feel like this is what Harper always talked about. The waiting. I have done it. I have waited and I have a family. 

I have a family that cares about me. I have people that take care of me not because they get money, but because they want to. I waited for that. 

I have a bruther now. He is so nice and listens to me. He doesn't want to take me back to the group home for being weird. My parents don't want to take me back because I am weird. 

i think in a crazy way they love me. I say crazy because I never thought it would happen. 

I never thought anyone could love me in a way that they love me. 

And I know this year was horrible. I know that so many bad things happened. I know that I will never be okay 100%. 

But for now I think that not being 100% okay is okay. That's what my bruther says. 

I will get better. Next year it will all get better. 

And I am not lying this time. I don't have to anyways because this time I believe it. 

I have to go now, my parents want me to go eat.

So I am going to go eat with my family for the last time this year. 

So next year will be better and I can celebrate the next year just like I am celebrating next year now. 

So I can celebrate all of the next years.

With my family, the family that doesn't care that I am different. 

With my family that I love, and loves me. 

**-Isaac Love**


End file.
